Now that I am all settled in, I am now ready to review one of the most beloved and hated children’s adventure movies that i grew up watching. I only hated it because I never got into this type of awesome mischief as a kid. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve fucked some shit up in my day and to no avail it never ended in me finding any rich stuff. But I have covered things in chocolate and eaten my way through them and have certainly set my share of booty traps. In fact go grab yourself a snickers bar and rub it all over your screen and eat your way through this review.
‘The Goonies‘ is an action/adventure from the minds of Steven Spielberg and Richard Donner. The story follows a group of misfits known around town as the title characters and their journeys into the Astoria underworld as they attempt to save the Goon Docks. If none of this is making any sense to you then you must have been an outdoor kid. Congratulations. Alas, it is not too late for you my friend. The cast includes Josh Brolin, Corey Feldman, Sean Astin, Anne Ramsey, and Mary Ellen Trainor, who also played the mother in the “better goonies”, ‘The Monster Squad‘. I’m not saying ‘The Goonies’ is bad in any way, I’m just a horror nerd.
So, as you probably guessed, I have pictures of your mom and I’ll sell them to you, REAL CHEAP, which translates to…AltDaily is taking over the projector at The Naro (map) on Friday, June 21st, 2013 and showing ‘The Goonies’ at 9 pm. There will be one eyed willies for sale, a costume contest, lots of prizes and of course the classic film being projected on the big screen! It will be awesome for all attendees. Click here for more info and to RSVP on Facebook.
In the shadow of recent events occurring over the past 8 months and the drunken swamp I have slithered into, I have decided to crawl out and start tapping the keys again. The topic: a reviewing of one my favorite dark comedies I watched quite a bit during my childhood, “Heathers“. So dark a symphony that director Michael Lehmann and writer Daniel Waters orchestrate. As I view the director’s track record, i am impressed with every scroll; “Dexter“, “The Larry Sanders Show“, “Bored To Death“, “American Horror Story“, “Californication“, and “True Blood“, just to name a few. So, with a shaved head and a semi-fresh outlook on life, I am going to dive right into this review and invite you to ride along (don’t forget your chainsaw grease).
“Heathers” is a 1988 dark comedy that burrowed its little self behind my eager 9 year old eyes. The film stars Wynona Ryder (Beetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands) as Veronica, the black sheep and one-fourth of a clique known as the “Heathers”. She falls in love with outsider, JD (Christian Slater – Pump up the Volume, True Romance) and they begin a destructive “Bonnie and Clyde“-esque relationship chock full of murder and betrayal. Shannen Doherty (Beverly Hills 90210, Mallrats) rounds out the cast as one of the “Heathers”. I don’t want to give away too much plot in the certain case some readers have not seen the movie. Which leads me right into the entire point of this article that also doubly serves as a therapeutic brain massage.
On Friday night, May 17, 2013, at the Naro on Colley Avenue starting at 9:15pm, AltDaily will be showing the cult gem, “Heathers”. Since AltDaily is behind this event, you know there will be special surprises in store for the audience and of course, alcoholic concessions. Please click here for the facebook event and more info.
The movie that took so long to introduce? Cabin in the Woods, I know, it’s a generic sounding name, that’s the point. It’s a snowball effect of fucking awesomeness, the more it progresses, the more you start figuring out how much you love this movie. They cover everything! EVERY-THING! The perfect song to describe how I feel about it right now.
See Below.
Yea, It’s that good.
So, unfortunately the BluRay/DVD release date is September 25th, 2012 and you can’t see it, like, now. But, hopefully I poked and prodded enough around this movie to spark an engaging interest in you to witness the spectacular luster that has been captured on celluloid, not cellulite. But, for now, check out the trailer and shut up.
Joel plays Frank, who has one bad day after another and instead of killing himself he decides to rid the world of all the stupid jerks. Fired unjustly from his job, an unwanted father, and diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor, he sets out to find his first victim, a little cunt of a spoiled teenager living in Virginia Beach he sees being an awful, selfish bitch on one of those Sweet 16 Shows on MTV. That’s where he meets Roxy (Tara Lynn Barre, in her first major film role) and they team up in this angst-filled roller coaster ride to make the world… nicer. That’s all that Frank wants, everyone to be nice to each other… that’s not too much to ask. It’s something I’d hope everyone would want, but every scene is a page out of everyone’s life.
People at work discussing unimportant TV that’s deadening our minds, a seemingly innocent act turning into fatal wounding of our lifestyle, when the going gets worse… it seems to keep rolling downhill, all things we can all relate to whether we are the hunter or the prey. The hunters in the audience have a visual pipe dream they can live out every time life becomes too much and the prey can maybe become better people, look at life differently, and want to become less miserable, maybe a little nicer to their fellow human beings. Again, pipe dreams, as our world gets closer to looking like this.
So if you’re looking for a refreshing satire of how horrible, inconsiderate, mean-spirited, and self-absorbed the American people have become, this is your opus, Mr. Holland style. This film is definitely re-watchable, especially after the anger I feel for humanity after watching the Mumia Abu-Jamal documentary “In Prison my Whole Life” (available on Netflix instant). Never lose sight of what’s important. As always, thanks for stopping by and reading.
Hello friends. I’ve been gone for a little while, that’s because I started reviewing movies for AltDaily.com. Because of this transition, my horror reviews will dwindle to a few a year since I’m reviewing every genre for them. All the horror reviews will be posted here and on their site. But, all the other reviews will be posted on their site. If there’s a public outcry then I will post a link on here, but i seriously doubt that will happen. Maybe i will anyway just to save the old ego. Anyway, altdaily.com still gives me all the freedom that i have on here, i just review everything now. Check em out!
Yep, you heard it first here folks! SHITBEARS are infesting the woods, they can smell the menstruation. I watched this movie the other night called “The Prophecy” it was made in 1979…oh mother fucker shit cunt. It was awful. It started out pretty good and just went to shit once we found mercury was in the water, big, stupid tadpoles, SHITBEARS. OoOoOoO, a big salmon. This Bitch stars in this train wreck of shit, she’s still fucking idiots, this time she’s knocked up and eats the mercury also. She keeps it from him and that’s the twist at the end. She’s harboring a freak of nature SHITBABY. YAYYY! I just hate wasting my time, I was even stoned. Maybe I’m being too harsh and should’ve found it funny. Maybe i should rewatch. Wait, No! Bad Idea! But you know me, watch it yourself form your own shit conclusions of this shitfest. Okay, im excited, tired, and hung the fuck over. Let me break down the movie for you and save you an hour and a half…hell, i didnt finish the damn thing, i don’t even know if she had the SHITBABY, I DONT EVEN CARE IF SHE HAD THE SHITBABY! Anyway. here goes nothing.
-Talia shire is pregnant and plays cello alot.
-Her boyfriend doesnt know she’s pregnant, he’s some environmental investigator.
-They travel to the woods and encounter unwanted indians.
-They drink and eat things from the water and the woods.
They start seeing big animals.
The indians think its magic water.
They find out a paper company is pumping mercury in the water.
They find more large SHIT animals, you know like SHITBEARS.
She reveals to her BF that she is in fact PREGNANT with a SHITBABY.
Ughhhh I get bored and turn it off.
Sorry, I feel like I’m wasting your time because I’m reviewing a stupid fucking movie that i didn’t even finish. Oh well, Your problem not mine. Dont see this piece of hairy shit. Get off your computers and phones and go see this movie instead. It fucking rules. Maybe I should have seen it younger and not high, or higher. I don’t know, I’m in a bad mood today and my brain feels fucking crazy. Enough maybes, here’s the trailer.
Listening To: Eels “Novacaine For The Soul”, Nation Of Ulysses “Today I Met The Girl I’m Gonna Marry”, David Bowie “Let’s Dance”, Muse “Supermassive Black Hole”, Bloc Party “Helicopter”, The Living End “Second Solution”, Van Morrisson “Brown Eyed Girl”, Frank Sinatra “Witchcraft”, Bouncing Souls “Kate Is Great”, Beastie Boys “Shake Your Rump”
“The Woman”, the new thriller by director Lucky McGee (May, Masters Of Horror – Sick Girl), has won my little coal-shaped heart. Semi-original plot, lots of gore, a super fucked up sense of humor, and of course, he cast Benicio Del Toro to play the title character, okay that’s a lie, but its funny, fuck it. If I ever meet Mr. Del Toro and he just happened to see my blog and this review, I will gladly accept the ass beating coming to me. NOT TOO WORRIED ABOUT IT. Also, as you know I don’t care about spoiling movies for people, so if you want to be not disappointed, then go see the fucking movie and come back and read this. Now that the disclaimer is proclaimed, lets dig in. This movie is full of gore, cannibalism, sadism, and a 55 gallon drum of dark humor. I fucking loved every minute of it. It starts off with, well, let’s call her “Nell“, she’s billed as “The Woman” but Nell is funnier. So anyway, we have no back story on this feral lady, all we know is that she’s dirty and running around the forest killing animals. We can only assume she was raised by wolves…yes like Howie Mandel in “Walk like a man“. So we are introduced to Nell, then they shift on over to the “normal” family, we can gather the dad is a pompous prick. He goes out hunting and runs across Nell bathing in a stream, not a bad body, he’s enthralled, then you look at her face and your brain automatically goes to Benicio Del Toro…yea, it’s fucked up. So what does old boy do? He captures homegirl and chains her up in his basement, it’s okay family! It’s a project! So a missing finger later and the ole pressure washer scrub down and Nell is ready to go…for more torture. Not looking too good, men. We inflict all the pain and suffering in this movie. The women are compassionate and apologetic…kind of. They are more afraid of the dad than to help poor Nell. The son uses the feral for his own personal pubescent agenda, which his dad just chocks up to him being a young man full of hormones…naturally (which so am i, but i wouldn’t fuck Benicio Del Toro). The women all go through an escalating psychological trauma while the rest of the story progresses to the status of a Hunter S Thompson hotel room. Many twists and turns unfold the plot leading to an acceptable ending. Finally, someone has come out with a movie somewhat original that mixed genres in a beautiful symphony of visual noise. Besides the fact you see Benicio as a naked woman, I’m willing to overlook the minor flaws for this movie. Lemme know what you thought of it! As always, thanks for stopping by and reading.
Listening To: Dead Kennedy’s “Holiday In Cambodia”, Blur “Girls And Boys”, Jeff Buckley “Grace”, Modest Mouse “A Different City”, The Cure “Friday, I’m In Love”, Talking Heads “Burning Down The House”, Rancid “Time Bomb”, Foo Fighters “Monkey Wrench”, The Clash “Guns Of Brixton”, Eels “Souljacker Part 1″, TV On The Radio “Shout Me Out”, Beastie Boys “Brass Monkey”, The Figurines “Ghost Town”, No Knife “Testing The Model”, Veruca Salt “Seether”, The Postal Service “There’s Never Enough Time”, Violent Femmes “Blister In The Sun”, Nirvana “Heart Shaped Box”, The Verve “Bittersweet Symphony”, Q And Not U “Collect The Diamonds”, Lou Reed “Perfect Day”, Jawbreaker “Save Your Generation”
Angela, honey? I love you but you need to cover yourself because you’re scaring the children! Hey folks, I told you I’d be back. But you might not like what I have to say. Basically if you’re reading this and havent seen “Sleepaway Camp”, I would check it out before reading any more, I’d hate to ruin any surprises for you.
Ok, now that I have that out of the way I can continue. This movie fucked my world up as a kid, I was thrown into a brand new world of transgenders, homosexuality, pedophiles, and boiling pots of water larger than my body. We are presented in the beginning with an accident where either a brother or a sister and their dad are killed by a boat that runs over them…hehehe. I mean, What a horrible tragedy, but shut that little girl up, for real. Then, its eight years later and we find out this fuck off weirdo aunt is now taking care of “Angela” and her cousin Ricky. She is shipping them off to summer camp where she meets a 1980 Tony Danza and he says “ANGELA” a lot and they fall madly in love. Ok, Maybe that doesn’t happen, but if you know what I’m talking about, you are probably laughing right now. The 80s were amazing, lets just stick with that…worst clothes and hair, EVER! So the crazy eyed aunt sends the kids off the Camp Arawak where the campers are DYING to have fun…ha, get it. DYING? Yea I’m an idiot. The deaths are pretty engaging; boiling flesh, arrows through the neck, killer bees, hot curling irons(ha! Fucked Up!), canoes, and decapitation. The camp is in an uproar and the body count is rising by the minute. Poor, innocent Angela is constantly getting fucked with, Ricky defends her, the old man and Tony Danza think its Ricky, but no one knows shit. The crotch shorts are getting smaller and we find out Angela’s parents are a gay couple and she might have had sex with her sibling. Then, the penis. Best ending to an 80s slasher, ever. Angela and her boytoy are alone on the beach getting naked and ready to bump uglies, then two councilors walk up on Angela, she’s sitting down and humming…then she stands up to reveal her junk, it’s a weird looking bushy nub too. Her fucked up aunt raised Angela as a girl because she already had a boy and “that simply will not do”. Anyone who has seen this film has that image in their head pop up when you mention the title, I guarantee it. Totally underrated and lost among the rubbish that was being pumped out at the time because of the success of “Halloween” and “Friday the 13th”, i would honestly rather see that pop culture than American Idol or these damn remakes and contrived genre reimaginings. So hopefully I provoked some not so fond memories or introduced you to a long lost gem of a slasher film. I am on my 2nd week of my back surgery bedrest and am so excited for this in two weeks, Blood On The Beach. There will be an Angela and Ricky reunion there that I am really looking forward to, among the many other celebrities that will be there. So if you live near Virginia Beach, I would definitely check it out if you can, I want this convention to come back every year, it’s our first and I don’t want to be the last. IT WILL BE A PARTY! But anyway, leave me your feedback, let me know what thoughts are in your head about Angela’s androgynous excursions. As always, Thanks for stopping by and reading.
Listening To: Band Of Horses “The Funeral”, Hot Water Music “Remedy”, Alice In Chains “Man In The Box”, XTC “Meccanik Dancing”, Mmford And Sons “Little Lion Man”, The Living End “Pictures In The Mirror”, The Black Heart Procession “Tropics Of Love”, Nada Surf “Blonde On Blonde”, The Strokes “Someday”, Bright Eyes “Gold Mine Gutted”, The Strokes “Juicebox”, Hot Hot Heat “Middle Of Nowhere”, Rival Schools “Eyes Wide Open”, Death Cab For Cutie “Lightness”, TV On The Radio “Shout Me Out”, Fake Problems “Ramblin’ Man”, Velvet Underground “Pale Blue Eyes”, Foo Fighters “Walk”, Lily Allen “22″, !!! “The Step”, Jane’s Addiction “Jane Says”, The Merton Parkas “Face In The Crowd”, Bloc Party “This Modern Love”, Interpol “Obstacle 1″
Hello friends, it’s been a while, I’ve been busy making a website, trying to start a business, start a dive bar blog, and getting back surgery, mmmm painkillers, but now i have some extra time to write. First movie back? “The Sleeper”. Hmmm, where to start? I must say that this movie caught me off guard at times, some parts were ridiculous, some parts were violent and realistic, I am not exactly sure what the director was going for here. Justin Russell, writer\director of this fiasco, in his freshman attempt at film making, set out to recreate the long dead genre of 80′s slashers, it’s even available on special edition VHS. I grew up with this shit and it’s one of my favorite genres, so he better recognize before he starts pussyfooting around sacred ground. The stalker is scary…at times. He looks like Meatloaf, laughs like Dr. Giggles and has the eyeballs of a fried flounder. He is creepin’ around this sorority house and calling them up informing the girls which one will die next, then he giggles a lot and writes three Zees over a picture of that victim’s throat. His deaths and methods vary from hand to ax to hammer, which he seems to prefer. I’m trying to be unbiased here, but fuck it, I’m not here to make friends. The killer bashes peoples heads in, which can be frightening until the special effects come on the screen, which i know were meant to duplicate that of a 1981 film, but if I were Tom Savini, I’d find this Justin dude and rip off his dick. I think these dudes who recreate genre films have no hope at an original idea, they lay on a soft blanket of spoof and satire, they feel safe from mistakes because they chalk it up to the genre. I may be out of line here but kiss my ass big guy, you might as well of remade this movie.
I’m not saying I truly hated “The Sleeper”, just saying what I’d change about it, you know, like, more tits…you want to make an 80′s slasher? Put lotsa tits and ass in it…go hardcore even, put in some bush, shower scenes…I am not being a pig ladies, I am being realistic…these guys were smart. I fell into the horror genre because I learned early on that I loved looking at nude females. I made that association from the minute i turned on HBO after midnight. My second change would be effects, that goes with the tone of the movie…the killer violently kills his victim, then you see some shitty special effects poking fun at the genre, ridiculous! It changes the entire tonal value of the film from frightening to silly, well Mr. Russell? Are you making a horror film or a fucking spoof? The marketing got me hooked from the beginning, special edition VHS? Fuck yes! 80s Slasher? Yes again. Maybe it’s the dilaudid or the other peripherals i was on when I watched it but I think the outcome would’ve all been the same. I, of course, encourage you to come to your own conclusions and get back at me to share your opinions. Yes, some aspects are awesome, some have me skeptical. Maybe I am crazy and it’s a genius piece of work that I missed. I seriously doubt it, but it’s possible. Anywho, get back at me and always, thanks for stopping by and reading.
Listening to: Antelope “Game Over”, Foo Fighters “Everlong”, Against Me! “Miami”, The Pharcyde “Passing Me By”, Built To Spill “Wherever You Go”, The Pixies “Monkey Gone To Heaven”, The Descendents “Rotting Out”, The Beta Band “Squares”, El Guapo “I Don’t Care”, The Clash “This Is Radio Clash”, The Dead Milkmen “Bitchin’ Camaro”, TV On The Radio “Golden Age”, Tom Petty “I Won’t Back Down”, Bright Eyes “Land Locked Blues”
The cast includes Josh Brolin, Corey Feldman, Sean Astin, Anne Ramsey, and Mary Ellen Trainor, who also played the mother in the “better goonies”, ‘The Monster Squad‘. I’m not saying ‘The Goonies’ is bad in any way, I’m just a horror nerd.
